What I Did on my Summer Vacation By Adrian F. Tepes. I went to my father’s castle for summer vacation this year. My father is a big, important count in the country of Castlevania. Castlevania is a lousy country with very few natural resources and many peasants. There are also many zombies. There are less peasants every year, but more zombies. My father says this is “the circle of life”. My father is very weird. Last year, he was killed by a man named Richter. Richter is a Belmont, and they are the sworn enemies of my father. My father has tried for years to kill the Belmonts. “I hate those Belmonts!” he says, “They make me so mad and dead!” I always tell my dad that he’s been dead for years, but then he just gets angrier, and usually breaks his wine glass. My dad drinks a lot of wine. He doesn’t let me have any, either, which is really mean. Maybe that’s why Richter killed my dad, he wouldn’t let him have any wine. Dad would be like “It was not by my hand that I was given wine, a human got it for me,” and then Richter be all, “You steal men’s wine, and drink it all and don’t let me have any!” And dad would just be all, “Perhaps the same can be said of all dudes with wine.” Like I said, my dad is weird, and Richter killed him. But dad never stays dead long. See, he had this assistant guy named Shaft. As opposed to being the cool Shaft from that movie, this is a really pasty guy who really loves my dad. Dad says I should call him “Uncle Shaft”, but I think that’s weird. But the nerd brought back my dad’s castle after he died, and so I had to go there for the summer. I usually don’t like going to my dad’s place. I’m his only son, but he has this army of “pets”. I took, like, three steps in the door and I was immediately attacked by this giant dog. And it didn’t get any better from there! I move through like three rooms and Death, this goth guy, takes all...
and says I can’t have it back. I hate Death. And did I mention the castle is “a creature of chaos,” (Dad’s words, not mine) and apparently changes every time I have to go there. So now there’s like 3000 rooms and every single one of them has things that want to kill me. My dad’s place is a really lousy place to have to spend a summer. I wish my mom wasn’t burned at the stake two hundred years ago. But there was one nice thing. I met this blonde girl, Maria, that was also stuck there. See, she’s the sister in law of the guy who’s renting the castle for the summer. This was major news to me, because now not only was I stuck in a castle, but my dad wasn’t even there! But she was really nice and pretty and she was good at running, and I’m good at running, so I figured we’d be best friends. I wasn’t making friends with the mermen, that’s for sure. Or that creepy ferry fellow that lives in the basement. I think he’s scarier than the giant dead body guy. And I got a few pets, like a demon and a faerie and a magic sword, while I was in the castle, too, so I guess they count as friends, too. I got to the very top of the castle after a long time, (I had learned some really neat magic on the way there, too. Not Harry Potter stuff, but really useful stuff like how to turn into a wolf or jump really high. I am going to kick butt in basketball this year.) and found Richter, the guy who killed my dad, had taken over the place. I thought he was supposed to be a nice guy who just happened to hate my dad, but he was a major jerk. He threw crosses at me! But, it wasn’t really Richter that was the bad guy. I found Maria in this freaky chamber and she gave me these really neat glasses. I thought she just gave me them because she thought I was cool and they’d make me look cooler, but they actually let me see “magic” things, like that Richter was being controlled by Shaft. I know dad likes Shaft, but even he said I shouldn’t get too close to the guy. So I beat Shaft, and not Richter, and Richter apologized for being such a meanie, but said my dad was alive and in his new castle. “Great!” I thought, “Another castle! This vacation sucks!”
I went to dad’s new digs, and guess what, it was the same, only upside down. I had a hard enough time finding my room in the last castle, now all my stuff is going to be on the ceiling. And nothing makes sense, like there’s a waterfall falling up, and fire burning downwards, it’s all very weird. At least I found Death, and beat him up, because he took my stuff, and then hid all my stuff, so I had to find my stuff all over again. I like my stuff, it’s a family heirloom. My mom died a while ago, and she said I shouldn’t hurt humans, so I’ve never really figured out why she gave me weapons and armor as a keep-sake. She said, “Humans are a hard lot.” So maybe they’re immune to swords. But Shaft is not immune to swords. Shaft was hiding in his little room, and I clobbered him good for wasting all my time here. Every one else gets to go to the movies, or the arcade, or the beach for the summer! Well, I wouldn’t like the beach, but it’s still better than this musty, old, upside down castle. So Shaft goes down, and then dad shows up. I know this whole summer was his fault, and he was supposed to stay dead for at least a century, so I went postal on him, too. He knows it bothers me when he does that Darth Vader impression. Dad finally croaked, again, and his whole cruddy castle went with him. Both castles, too. Maria, Richter, and I got out okay, and we hung out on a cliff for like ten minutes. Then I left, and Maria decided to follow me. She had this crazy elevator music following her, so I just ran faster. And then it was September. And that’s what I did on my summer vacation. I hated every minute of it.
I rate this game with the only undead monster Dracula refuses to recruit.

Rating: 96% of a Pirate Nun


Rating: 96% of a Pirate Nun.


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It's still a pillar, moron


All non-copyrighted material is copyright 2005 Robert Pollack. Reproduction of most anything without Robert's express permission in whole or in part is prohibited by law. Ain't that a kick in the pants?
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