Video Games are Fun I was recently informed that I am long-winded, that I somehow take forever to not necessarily state the point, but that I can sometimes stretch the point to some ridiculous degree using a variety of unnecessary adjectives and pronouns until people have already begun to forget what I was talking about in the first place. I don't understand why people think this, as I always find a way to be as concise as possible in all of my writings, an ability that I find to be one of my greatest strengths; as it was said by, I believe, Benjamin Franklin, brevity is the source of wit. However, in the interest of all of you plebeians with short attention spans, no doubt the result of too much television, what with the camera not staying in one location for any longer than five seconds destroying your ability to stay focused on any one given thing, I have constructed a few reviews that are short, to the point, and just right for the games involved. I do hope you enjoy what you are about to read in plain text below what is written here that you are reading at the moment. Mario Paint (SNES) Remember the good old days? Before we had Flash and barely had MS Paint? I was alive then, and there was nothing I wanted to do more than be an animator. But the best I could make with my meager papyrus and pen was flip books, and you can only draw two guys sawing a tree so many times. Oh, and I can't draw. But then, like manna from the heavens above, came Mario Paint, in August of 1992, to our newly happy little world. And I wanted it so bad, but my funds were limited given I was... nine? That can't be right... I remember being older... I was nine when Street Fighter II came out on SNES? Jebus! I thought I was older than that! I'm a gaming veteran, I've been playing games since the Atari! I don't know whether to feel old or young right now! Um, anyway I finally got Mario Paint for Christmas and I really enjoyed it and then actually bought the strategy guide, which, looking back, is completely retarded. And I have a VHS tape of all the cool stuff I've ever done in Mario Paint, too. I'm a nerd. Rating: 9 Different Colors! Wow! Beyond the Beyond (PSX) Complete shit. No, wait, let me try this again. Beyond the Beyond is ass. Wait, I can do better. Beyond the Beyond is like an ass, but the ass is shitting on another ass. And that ass that's being shit on? It's vomiting back on the first ass. That's Beyond the Beyond. Rating: (image removed due to legal reasons) One ass shitting on another ass that is vomiting on the first ass Pac-Man World 2 (NGC) I claim I got this game free with the awesomely fun Pac-Man Vs., but, truth be told, I know that this is technically the game I purchased. It makes me sad. I'm not exactly sure what Namco is trying to do with the Pac-Man franchise, because the minute Mr. Pacs leaves his maze, he becomes as generically forgettable as his beloved television series. There's really no redeeming features in this game, its just a big, stupid 3-D platforming game that becomes instantly indistinguishable from any Mario 64 or Banjo-Kazooie clone that's come out in the last decade. Actually, it all seems very much like Donkey Kong 64. Pile of crazy crap to collect in every level? Check. Enemies that have nothing to do with the franchise, like, say, a bear? Check. The original (and really, really fun) Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man unlockable through playing a very crappy game for far too much time? Check. It's all there, and it's all unremarkable. Rating: 47% of a Bear! Rawr! Space Station Silicon Valley (N64) From the people destined to bring you Grand Theft Auto comes a quirky little game featuring a character that looks not completely unlike Wallace. You play the part of a whacky little android computer chip that jacks whacky robot animals and thus gains a whole host of whacky abilities from those whacky creatures. Full of whacky. Frankly, anytime there's a game including a boxing kangaroo mini game, there's fun to be had. The game just oozes personality, and adds a sense of humor that Rockstar (then Take-Two Interactive) appeared to have before it devolved into dick and fart jokes. Nowadays it's, "Ha ha, there's a guy that's masturbating all the time and every time there's a number in the game it's 69." Ha ha. See, Rockstar used to know what was funny, and that's a rat with a drag racing ability. Transformers: Beast Wars knew this too. Can we just have more games with rats racers in them? Thanks in advance. Also, this game gets bonus points for featuring a final level that allows you to kill every mechanical animal in the game. Kick ass. Rating: World Peace Luigi's Mansion (NGC) "Mario?" "Maaaaaaaario!?" "Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaario!!!" Rating: 7.1 Presses of the A Button Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg (NGC) Everyone always seems to get down on this game, but I like it. It's not the best 3-D action game I've ever seen, but it's no Pac-Man World 2 either. I say the gimmick of the game, always rolling one giant egg or another, works well enough, and the characters and environments are whimsical enough to make the whole situation "believable". Well, as believable as can be when your main character is wearing a rooster comb at all times. My main complaint with the game, as can be said of many 3-D games, is that the camera has a tendency to suck eggs, and really, really kills poor Billy when you need to line his giant egg up with some little rail. Come to think of it, what is with Sonic Team and grinding along rails? It's fun for three seconds, and then it's just Battletoads. And not the one fun part about Battletoads (being a toad... with super powers!). People who play video games are not nearly extreme enough for you, Sonic Team. Rating: 7.4 Tiny, tiny Cocks Astro Boy Omega Factor (GBA) Ah, Treasure, love ‘em or hate ‘em, reviewers certainly know how to advertise that they're the people who made the game. Did you know this is from the same people that brought you Bangai-O and Gunstar Heroes? Well there's your nugget of trivia for the day. Treasure made this game. Treasure treasure treasure. They make video games. They involve a lot of action and things on the screen and pixilation. Treasure made this game including Astro Boy. He never wears pants. Everyone at Treasure never wears pants. Treasure wants to get into your pants. Rating: Treasure, Treasue? Super Scope 6 (SNES)(hardware & software) Who thought this was a good idea? Nintendo has always had a thing for designing whacky peripherals, but let me tell you, this was worse than the Virtual Boy. The NES zapper was a cute little gun thing that looked like a(n eventually neon) gun. The Super Scope, the next and last light gun designed by Nintendo, was a gigantic bazooka of sucktitude. I'd like to meet the R&D department that decided to release a video game accessory larger than the average video game player (at the time, America wasn't nearly as obese). It took (drained immediately) six AA batteries to boot, and it was possible to "leave on" even after the SNES had been shut off, forcing the poor nerd stuck with the device to keep an army of duracells on hand on the off chance said geek would actually want to play with the abysmal device. And the game it came with? Do I even need to tell you it created a whole new level in the pantheon of suck? If playing Tetris with a light gun that is crushing your shoulder sounds like a good idea to you, then congratulations, please pick up your retardo hat on the way out. I don't want to even think of this damn thing anymore, it sickens me. Rating: 2 drained AA's Beetlejuice (NES) *actually vomits* Rating: Planet of the Apes This is too much for me! Back to Game'in!

All non-copyrighted material is copyright 2005 Robert Pollack. Reproduction of most anything without Robert's express permission in whole or in part is prohibited by law. Ain't that a kick in the pants?