National Bush Addresses Nation "Terror Ball will be stopped! Canada will pay!" President Bush addressed what is left of the nation today after the attack of what is being now called "The Terror Ball". "The Terror Ball will be stopped, and we will reclaim the people, homes, and freedom claimed by the Terror Ball. The Statue of Liberty will be retrieved, because no giant ball of terror can ever take away our liberty. Our liberty will stand up to this terror, and our liberty will stand true. It is our freedom, our liberty, that will stop this terror, and terror will not stand against our freedom." Bush continued to use the words "terror", "freedom", and "liberty" well into the night. Terror Ball relief will be sent to New York, Hollywood, and other cities affected by the ball of death. When asked where President Bush would find the money to rebuild, in New York City’s case, an entire island, island included, President Bush simply nodded his head and claimed that we would "stay the course". President Bush claims we will bring the creators of the Ball of Terror to justice, and, having noticed that Canada was not affected by the Ball of Terror, immediately declared war on our neighbors to the north. Troops are already stretched to the limit fighting the insurgents in Iraq who caused the devastation of 9/11, so it is unknown how we will fight this war on the Ball of Terror. "Oh, come on, it’s Canada," Bush responded when asked about his latest war. "We should have these guys under our yolk in a week, eh. Eh! Get it?" the president then laughed to himself until he fell out of his chair. Local Farmer Loses Mythical Beast A local farmer lost his beloved cowbear yesterday, and still has no idea where it has gone. "It just up and ran off. My prized cowbear!" balled the strange farmer. "It done flew out of its pen yesterday, chasing some flying, flaming cow, and then the whole rest of my little cows and bears ran away, too. They all followed that dang cowbear down to the racetrack, and I don’t have a dag gum clue what to do!" When the farmer was told there was no such thing as a cowbear, and that there was absolutely no race track in the area, he simply stared into nothingness for approximately five minutes. After the long, awkward and, frankly, creepy pause, he finally spoke, saying, "You guys are no help, I’m gonna go ask myself that King of the Cosmos if he’ll help me." The King of the Cosmos denied comment, citing he didn’t exist, either. Entertainment Kutcher, Hollywood Crushed Today in Entertainment news, Ashton Kutcher was enveloped in the Ball of Terror. Unfortunately for him, he was on the outside of the ball for quite a while, and had every bone in his body crushed by the sheer force of the rest of the items in the ball, such as cars, monuments, and violently fat tourists and fans. Presumably, Ashton is now orbiting our solar system with the rest of those lost to the ball of terror, making the popular actor a real star. Whether or not this will affect Ashton’s newest film, Casablanca 2: Electric Boogaloo, is yet to be seen. Advertisement Advertisement World Godzilla Move Over, Super Sumo Destroys Japanese City Downtown Tokyo was destroyed today as a gigantic sumo cannibal rolled through the city. The unidentified sumo rolled around, presumably too hefty to walk, and was followed by a small green creature. The sumo miraculously chose not to devour the green critter, but did proceed to eat everything he could fit into his gaping maw, including people! The sumo terror grew at an exponential rate, and, while he began merely eating food randomly strung around on the street for the Hobo Festival, he grew to such a size that even the greatest yokozuna cannot hope to achieve. "Ami and I were just sitting there, minding our own business, eating a pizza, ya know, nothing special," said one Ryu Chan of Kyoto. "And then this brobdingnagian sumo comes rolling over, sticks Ami in his diaper with our pizza and a bunch of giant watermelons, and then he ate Ami! After the watermelons but before the pizza! So you know!" The young Ryu was obviously shocked at the loss of his sweetie as well as his pizza, but retained a certain optimism that can only come from knowing you have avoided digestion. While we did attempt to interview the super sumo, we unfortunately failed when our camera man was eaten. We accepted that as a "no comment", and allowed the sumo to roll away, devouring a fencepost, fence, and two dolphins on his way out of town. Health Are we hurtling into the sun? Some say "yes," others "no" Scientists claim the sun is growing closer by the moment. Other scientists claim the sun is right where it has always been, and it’s just a trick of the eye. After the damage wrought yesterday by the hulking ball of destruction across our nation and the world, certain scientists are claiming our own planet is being used as such a "terror ball", and it is rapidly gaining speed on its way to the sun! Other scientists think those first scientists are gigantic loonies. "It is unmistakable!" said one Professor Larks. "We are quickly attracting other, smaller planets and satellites, and being hurled at the sun by some cosmic entity! It’s all over, people, this is the end!" "My colleague is terminally retarded," retorted Professor Relson. "If we were getting closer to the sun, it would start becoming remarkably hot, and all studies show that the planet is not getting warmer at all. See, the proof is in the data. Although I must admit that it is odd that the constellation Cygnus appears to be sticking to North America." While temperatures have indeed climbed today, it has been deemed a perfectly normal, predicted heat wave, and is in no way indicative of the Earth eventually crashing into the sun. As many scientists have already concluded, the Terror Ball was created by Canada, so it is unlikely the Earth itself is being used as a Terror Ball, since Canada is a part of Earth. Whether we actually are approaching the sun, for any reason, is yet to be seen. Rating Of Something or Other "Does this make any sense at all?" 9.2 Disturbing Cousins. Roll on back to Game'in!

All non-copyrighted material is copyright 2005 Robert Pollack. Reproduction of most anything without Robert's express permission in whole or in part is prohibited by law. Ain't that a kick in the pants?