| So the jerk squad is using a ring of children of the corn to protect their new art demolition project.
|
| I suppose inanimate children aren't that great a defense against angry villagers, so demon doggies are summoned for crowd control.
|
| There are people starving in Africa while it's some guy's job to render a demon dog's tongue.
|
| Oh boy! Tifa's gonna do something!
|
| Ah, hell, she's handing out hugs instead of ass-kickings.
|
| Look out! The bad dudes have the biggest bike lock ever!
|
| I've determined Denzel has more realistic hair than I do. I envy him.
|
| Reno & Rude are already pissed off at the horrible cosplay they're inspiring.
|
| And Bad Dude #1 and Rufus are meeting... somewhere to discuss... something?
|
| I'm sorry, at this point I guess my party died and we had to start over.
|
| I wish they'd just let you skip cinema scenes you've already seen.
|
| Right, right, helicopter, yes, very good.
|
| And back to the Blanket and Badass Show.
|
| Oh, now this can't be good.
|
| Puffy Coat has no idea what he's in for.
|
| Tifa, just use a soft on the squirt and get out of here.
|
| It's Bahamut... Zero? Neo? Umm... Let's just call him Bahamut Gonna Kill Everybody. That good?
|
| "Bahamut no like sculpture in the round!"
|
| Reno & Rude are shocked by the fact that you're still reading this.
|
|
|
| If you live in New York City, you know that your finer art critics do vomit energy balls on pieces they dislike.
|
| "Run! Run! Or you'll be well done!"
|
| Rinoa!
|
| The comic relief vs. the bad guys. This should go well.
|
| Real well.
|
| No Turks were harmed in the rendering of this program.
|
| "Rockin'" is actually a status ailment.
|
| Denzel wants to be eaten...
|
| ... But is saved by a friendly black man with a gun...
|
| ... And an equally mythical kitty cat riding a red dog.
|
| Miraculously, Squeenix chose not to animate Red XIII's anus.
|
| Where are the cops in this town?
|
| Speaking of cops, I think Yuffie is legal in this movie. Kick ass.
|
| Right now there are some nerds on a Gamefaqs message board arguing over how many laces are on Yuffie's boots.
|
| Originally, FFAC was supposed to be about how Cid became the housekeeper for this old hotel with his family and... Oh never mind, it's not that interesting.
|
| "Yeah, I already had a scene, I'll be over here."
|
| "Mama Tifa, your friends are batshit insane."
|
| "I'm getting the band back together and... oh. Well... I still have a lot of swords..."
|
| "Sorry, babe, the seat is made out of swords, too. You get used to it."
|
| Additional preview for FF: Brother on a Hot Tin Roof.
|
| Cid is using his Be Ugly As Hell Materia.
|
| Vincent Valentine is Spider-Man.
|
| Ninja that can't run vertically up walls are considered retarded.
|
| Bahamut destroys the... Midgul Edge Temple?
|
| "Snakes on a plane!? No shit!"
|
| "Cracker! Do something!"
|
| Three swords are better than one. For Goro, I guess.
|
| The mere act of Bahamut falling down may cause more damage than his badly aimed fireballs.
|
| I'm glad everyone is wearing their Geostigma Awareness Ribbons.
|
| "Hey Rufus?"
|
| "What?"
|
| "What's in the box?"
|
| "Yo' mama."
|
| "Oh snap!"
|
| Cloud, now taking on the gigantic dragon mono y mono, attempts a septuple tech.
|
| The new, blue human torch.
|
| The sperm enters the egg and the miracle of life begins.
|
| In a desperate battle to save the city, Cloud, naturally, decides to have a freak-out.
|
| But he comes out of it in time to use his Bahamut spine rip fatality.
|
| "Well, that was the longest summon ever."
|
| "Could I get a cure potion? I think I've broken my knees."
|
| Spoiled rich boy Rufus jumps off of buildings for fun.
|
| ACTION MOVIE!
|
| What was the secret of the ooze, anyway?
|
| Even Tseng forgot he was dead.
|
| Voltron force, assemble!
|
| "My precioussssss."
|
| You know you're cool when you jump off a building and you're five feet from where you parked.
|
| 2 Final 2 Fantasy
|
| If you think these scenes aren't silly enough, watch them in fast forward with Yakety Sax playing.
|
| Reno & Rude are going to pimp your bomb.
|
| Geostigma just kinda makes your arm look old.
|
| If your church doesn't allow motorcycles, you're going to the wrong church.
|
| Bad Dude #1, you are one dead mama's boy.
|
| And for some reason the Lifestream decides to make an appearance.
|
| And heals that wound you were introduced to thirty seconds ago.
|
| Let's take this battle outside, where we can fly for no discernable reason.
|
| Final Boss Battle: First Form
|
| "Hey, why aren't we helping Cloud."
|
| "This is his fight."
|
| "Why?"
|
| "Because he's only happy when he's killing Sephiroth."
|
| "Isn't that more like a sociopath than a hero?"
|
| "That's why I love him."
|
| "Crazy ass crackers!"
|
| "I could kill you now, but then I'd have nothing to do for the rest of the afternoon."
|
| Bad Dude #1 morphed into Omega Bishy!
|
| "Ya miss me? Oh, give Sephy a kiss!"
|
| "Did I have weather powers before I died? I wanna say yes."
|
| Final Boss Battle!
|
| Sephiroth has to step 70 feet back when impaling someone.
|
| "TETSUO!!!"
|
| "Ultimate super-duper neo limit break z!"
|
| "Well, my HP bottomed out on that one. I'll catch up with you in some poorly written fanfic."
|
| And our ultimate evil for the evening is defeated by the power of rain.
|
| The kids are healed! Bonus!
|
| "You were always there helping us, weren't you, T-1000?"
|
| Shot through the heart!
|
| And you're to blame.
|
| You give explosions that no man could possibly survive a bad name.
|
| Kids, Peter Pan isn't in this one. You're thinking of Kingdom Hearts.
|
| "This... is the weirdest afterlife ever."
|
| Hey, remember these guys?
|
| "Pastor Cloud, will you christen this child of sin?"
|
| "Come, my son, and be with the lord our Cloud."
|
| "You are now blessed, and temporarily immune to poison."
|
| "Oh, you are so getting some tonight."
|
| Well, they're not blue ghosties, but they'll do.
|
| "Cloud, I think we should just be friends... I mean, well, I've met someone and..."
|
| "See ya, Cloud. We're gonna go make out in the afterlife."
|
| "I have no idea what just happened."
|
| </CAST>
|
| And that's the story of how Tifa got her groove back.
Good night.
|
