| Our film picks up exactly where the last game left off, in some crazy future where Red XIII has somehow had kids...
|
| ... and what was the center of civilization is an overgrown hippy art project.
|
| 498 good men died during the making of FF:AC. Before the film begins, a moment is taken to acknowledge those no longer with us.
|
| Well, duh.
|
| Back in the present, Reno is exploring the omega crater from the finale of FF7 via helicopter.
|
| Yep, exploring a hole that goes as far deep as the center of the planet from the air. Gonna get a lot done today.
|
| The Lifestream is introduced. Basically, it's where all life comes from, and is made of a billion green spider webs. If you have arachnophobia, I wouldn't recommend ever dieing.
|
| Old Midgar is shown, complete with its planet-killing light show. Screw the planet, I wish our power plants were like Disney World.
|
| True fans will recognize these wires from the sixth dungeon's hidden area.
|
| Look, its Jenova. There might be some suspense in this flick if she wasn't introduced in the first four minutes.
|
| I don't recognize this character from FF7, but I think he's important to something.
|
| Here's a FF7 party during the final battle. It sure wasn't my main party. I'm afraid of black people.
|
| Cloud is the only one in the group doing any damage, which is completely game accurate. Limit break, limit break, limit break.
|
| Congratulations, FF:AC, on being the 500th thing to ruin this scene for me. Spoilers, dude.
|
| So the Lifestream repelled a giant falling rock, but there was a cost...
|
| ... crappy modern art now rules the streets.
|
| Oh, also kids are dieing from some unknown disease called "Geostigma". Might be caused by overexposure to Captain Planet.
|
| Barrett's adopted daughter, Marlene, is caring for Denzel, a nobody that happens to be the adopted son of...
|
| ... Tifa McFunbags! (ridiculous breasts not shown [ever])
|
| Tifa calls Cloud to do that nagging thing all girls do all the time.
|
| And on the outskirts of town, Cloud's spirit animal pees on Cloud's spirit.
|
| Oh boy! Presents!
|
| Cloud has to really squint to see the title.
|
| And Cloud straps on some goggles and heads off for parts unknown.
|
| Enter the bad guys! Meet Bad Dude #1...
|
| ... Bad Dude #1.2...
|
| ... and Curly Joe.
|
| The bad dudes attack Cloud while on motorcycles, so Cloud deploys the multiple swords hidden in his bike. I could think of other things (maybe ranged weapons) to have for emergencies.
|
| Bad Dude #1.2 is equipped with a gunblade. Whatever.
|
| In a stunning action sequence, Cloud is shot in the face...
|
| ... and loses 12 HP.
|
| The random encounter ends and Cloud moves on to some posh estate in the hills.
|
| Look, nerds, it's things you recognize. Be excited at a fricken road sign!
|
| Cloud parks it and briefly clashes with some left-handed dumbass.
|
| Even hi-def screens have difficulty rendering this much raw cool.
|
| Rufus Shinra is back! No, he wasn't blown up in FF7!
|
| This isn't an image of him and his entire office being enveloped in flames.
|
| "Didn't you try to kill me, like, 3,000 times?"
|
| "No."
|
| *cough* "Dumbass" *cough*
|
| Meanwhile, Tifa and Marlene find that Cloud has been crashing at his old girlfriend's place.
|
| And now Bad Dude #1 is meeting with Rufus. They speak to each other in a cryptic manner only bad guys can hope to understand.
|
| Bad Dude has been finger-painting with people's IDs.
|
| I AM THE LIZARD KING!
|
| Cloud is preparing for carrying the rest of the movie.
|
| Back at the church, Curly Joe crashes the party.
|
| And gets his ass handed to him by Tifa, who has been doing nothing but power leveling and watching John Woo movies for the last two years.
|
| Tifa's Ehrgeiz ending was really short.
|
| But Curly Joe has a Final Attack Materia, and drops Tifa like a tube sock filled with sausage.
|
| And it turns out Cloud has been hoarding the most powerful weapons on the planet in a cooler in a building with no roof in the slums.
|
| Also, in a plot no one cares about, Denzel and the kids are lured away by Bad Guy #1.2 and his delicious candy
|
| "Girl, you better not be stabbed through the chest."
|
| Cloud imagines what it would be like to be in Final Fantasy VIII.
|
| Cloud & Tifa are rescued by the Turks who, otherwise, offer no help at all. They're well thanked.
|
| Curly Joe delivers the Final Fantasy equivalent of a nuclear payload to his buds, and is barely even acknowledged. No respect.
|
| This isn't going to be good for anybody.
|
| Tifa has to convince Cloud to actually get off his damn ass.
|
| And Cloud decides to bike through a forest at mach speed for his rescue mission.
Note: Not recommended.
|
| It turns out the reason Cloud has been such an aloof dick recently is because he's sick, and not because he's always been like that.
|
| Bad Dude #1 invites the kids to the most evil Michael Jackson bath party ever.
|
| Cloud briefly imagines a world where Aeris had breasts.
|
| The kids are not all right.
|
| Boss Battle!
|
| Cloud nearly falls, but is saved at the last moment by Spawn.
|
| "Vincent, you saved my life, what can I do to thank you?"
|
| "Cloud, you need to buy Dirge of Cerberus, coming this March."
|
| "..."
|
| "No."
|
| Further product placement.
|
| Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention? It is time to move on. Click here and move on to part 2.
|
