The Least Fun Arcade Crossovers are a gigantic part of modern comics. From Superman teaming up with Batman to Spike crashing Serenity, if there's a possibility two super heroes or super hero groups exist in the same universe, it's exploited. And while the crossover (event) is a common occurrence in the pages of DC and Marvel, it's tremendously less likely to be seen in a similar geek medium, the video game. There are the occasional video game crossovers, such as the remarkable Super Smash Bros., but, by and large, there are very few video game "mascots" paling around with their brethren, aside from the occasional story-line defying cameo. But every once in a while the comic tradition bleeds into the video game world, and we get a game featuring Marvel's greatest heroes, all fighting for their lives against insurmountable odds using their amazing super powers. Their exploits fighting every bad guy under the sun is inevitably a gigantic hit, with amazing gameplay to boot. That was Marvel vs. Capcom. This is Spider-Man and the X-Men: Arcade's Revenge, for the SNES. And it blows spider-ass. The theory behind this game is sound. Arcade is a super crazy mad genius in the Marvel Universe who designs "murderworlds", areas not unlike theme parks; but unlike theme parks, clowns aren't the only things trying to stab you. Murderworlds are supposed to be custom built (by, one would assume, Arcade's non-union construction workers of doom, though they do still get 15 minute destruction breaks) to their captive's anti-specifications. If Arcade was trapping DC's Superman, he'd build the whole place out of kryptonite, or for Aquaman, anything at all. Maybe fluffy pillows. At any rate, Arcade has, as of the game's start, constructed five Murderworlds for four x-men and one Spider-Man, and gives said heroes the sporting chance of attempting to escape their worst nightmares. Spider-Man's worst nightmare, for instance, involves battling hordes of very similar robots. Conversely, Cyclops' worst nightmare involves battling hordes of very similar robots. Before we go any further, I feel I should point out this game was made by Acclaim, a company known for claiming to be "Masters of the Game" while producing such quality titles as Turok: Rage Wars, BMX XXX, and the complete Simpsons line of Nintendo and Gameboy games, including The Simpsons: Bart and the Beanstalk. Basically, Acclaim had the amazing ability to take a concept that, by all rights, should be completely mind-blowingly awesome (dinosaur hunting, naked bicycle riding, buying a cow), and turn it into a gigantic turd-storm that takes the time to punch you in the nuts. Never played an Acclaim game? Then you've probably had a better life than mine. I've played the Playstation Fantastic Four. Back in the game, the X-Men and Spider-Man are trapped, in more way's than one, in Arcade's revenge, though it's never stated what Arcade is taking revenge for, but, given he's a hit man, I really doubt he's got a grudge against these dorks. I think Acclaim just made the whole thing up when they realized Arcade was actually another Marvel character and not an excuse to make a game where Wolverine blows all his quarters attempting to get the high score on Space Invaders. Oh man, you ever try to grab a joy stick with gigantic claws sticking out of your wrists? The fun is over before it begins. It's actually how Wolverine got that hairstyle, it was in his Origins book, I swear. What was I talking about again? Oh, right, crappy game. It's a lousy, hop-around-like-an-idiot platforming action game with a few mutants with super powers. The only reason anyone would even touch this game is for its all star cast, so I suppose you would like to hear about the amazing traps and devious creations Arcade has unleashed upon our favorite Marvelites. Spider-Man is stuck in a half constructed cityscape. Basically there's a lot of asbestos and girders kind of haphazardly slapped together. I think Arcade didn't so much create a maze here as get drunk and use a map editor. Actually, according to the (sparse) storyline, Spider-Man was the last of the gang to stop by Arcade's place, and was only captured at the last second while attempting to rescue the missing X-Men. I suppose his pre-cognitive spider sense, his major trademark mentioned in nearly every pop culture referencing show ever, was on the fritz. So Spidey must make amends for his retardation by battling random robots and, finally, the Shocker and Rhino, two Marvel villains so known for their unintelligence that they currently take the Sinister Six's short bus to all missions of evil. Doctor Octopus, Green Goblin, Lizard, Venom, Carnage, no, they all had better agents, Spider-Man gets to take out the F-string for his climatic battles. Boo. Wolverine must face circus midgets. It's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it. Really, he just runs around and tears clowns and toy soldiers to pieces. It's probably not so much his worst nightmare as a cathartic little attack on Toys R Us. When Wolverine gets to take a break from the killer clowns, he takes out two big Marvel baddies, Apocalypse and Juggernaut. Apocalypse is a rather pathetic little boss battle where the ultimate mutant trades his demigod status for a Dhalsim impression, and Juggernaut is best defeated by dropping inappropriately placed anvils on the big lug's head. I'm still trying to figure out how Acclaim turned a battle between two of the most serious, gritty mutants in all of X-Men into a Looney Tunes episode. Scott "Cyclops" Summers actually does meet his worst nightmare in the form of a mine that is not only filled with gems that reflect his optic blasts, but also dirt. Yes, that's right, Scotty boy, you have to actually get dirty on this mission. Oh no! Filth on your shiny X-Men leader's uniform! Jean will never love you now! Er, anyway, Cyclops also fulfills the 16-bit era's requirement of "one mine cart level per game", with some of the absolute worst mine cart'ing seen in a… anything. Cyc also gets to stare down a few sentinels, and then their big daddy, Master Mold. This version of Master Mold doesn't appear to have any weapons, but it does shoot missiles from its nipples and flame blasts from its crotch. Basically just like me at a party.Storm, almighty weather witch of the X-Men, is naturally stuck in a dunk tank. Storm, being a girl, has no offensive capabilities past her mutant powers, so she uses her abilities to shoot lightning bolts at her enemies. While completely submerged in water. She uses electricity to attack, while she and her adversaries are all floating around in the number one conductor on the planet. They're mutants! Wow! At least Storm is the one character who gets a little (physics defying) variety, in that she's not just stuck in a shitty platformer, she's stuck in a shitty platformer's underwater level. And, instead of a life bar, she's got an "air bar" that depletes when she's attacked or stays underwater for longer than a millisecond. And Storm, who is still burdened with a vagina and is thus far too weak to battle a real Marvel villain, gets to clash with a series of slightly different robot/trap things for her freedom. Either Acclaim or Arcade has something against the poor girl. Maybe they don't care about black people. Gambit, the hard-drinking, hard-gambling, hard-rocking Cajun with a hard-on for Rogue, is separated from the object of his lust and thrown into auto-scrolling hell. Being a master of kendo-style martial arts and various forms of unarmed combat, Gambit naturally has limited ammunition in the form of a consumable deck of cards, and, upon using up his deck, is left completely defenseless. Gambit, in the comics, once turned a wad of chewing gum into a lethal weapon, but, now Acclaim says he's as useful in a pinch as Dolphigan (the X-Men with the mutant power to arouse dolphins). The wildly defenseless thief is stuck outrunning either an auto-scrolling spiked ball or an auto-scrolling collapsing tower (I'm assuming that's the premise of his second level, the danger is off-screen, as is the deal with most auto-scrolling levels, so it could be a giant mutant brine shrimp for all I know), and, in either situation, must avoid or attack various deadly chess pieces. It's a well known piece of logic that dictates that someone who enjoys playing cards is afraid of chess and everything it entails. It makes perfect sense! It all makes perfect sense! And Gambit's bosses are against playing card manifestations. PERFECT SENSE! Upon completion of each of the hero's individual levels, the party teams up to separate again in five separate mini levels. While four of the mutants pretty much get rehashes of their previous fun-lands, Storm does at least get to get out of the water, and manifests her flying abilities in a really powerful jump. Of course, she's still prone to falling in bottomless pits, so maybe her flying powers need a little more work. Maybe her costume is too wet? Yeah, Spider-Man will do that to you. And at the end of each of these individual levels, each X-Man gets captured, again, while Spider-Man finally uses that super power of his I keep hearing about and saves his own hide for the final boss battle. Guess that's why he got top billing. The final boss is a big robo clown that goes through a few different forms in a manner not unlike the final robo Burns fight of The Simpsons Arcade Game. Funny, that. Oddly, this boss battle is actually a lot easier than a lot of boss battles from earlier in the game (Juggernaut can cause a few headaches), and the X-Men imprisoned around the room actually aide Spider-Man in his seemingly solitary battle. Note to super villains, when you tie up the guy with eye lasers, who is named for the fact that he has eye lasers, maybe, just maybe, try to do something about hampering those eye lasers. Or not, it's your choice. And after robo clown goes down, guess what's next? That's right! More robots! And they're ridiculously easy and have no reason for existing because none of the robots turn out to be the real bad guy anyway. And, yes, you beat all the damn robots, escape, and find the big bad Arcade has already escaped and the super heroes don't even get remote revenge on their captor. A job well done! Acclaim managed to take a very, very cool concept (Super powered heroes vs. their own custom built worst nightmares) and turn it into a game somehow even less interesting than a Pitfall revival. However, it could be argued that Arcade is the greatest winner of all. By game's end, which, for the record, doesn't include a credit sequence, which speaks for itself, Arcade has escaped unscathed, and claims to have tortured everyone involved. I don't know about our mighty mutants, but I know that by the end of this particular Murderland, I was feeling very tortured. Think Acclaim was run by a malevolent red head? Final Rating: 46% of a very pissed off mutant, the Kool-Aid Man.

All non-copyrighted material is copyright 2005 Robert Pollack. Reproduction of most anything without Robert's express permission in whole or in part is prohibited by law. Ain't that a kick in the pants?