And the new movie: does it kick ass? Yes, yes it does. I don't think Batman is ever seen by anyone other than his "friends" for longer than three seconds, and the fight scenes being run through the confuse-o-tron actually worked out pretty well. The villains are well realized, particularly Ra's al Ghul, and they don't take six years establishing each bad guy's origin in a movie that already has to restate, for the 40,000th time in history, Batman's origins. And top it all off with special effects, but not special effects to the point of nausea, and we've got an excellent movie. Heck, ya know a movie is great when my only major complaint is the lack of a topless man duel. Hm, best not to ask about that one.
So Batman has been done right, for once, through confusing fight scenes and quick editing. The mystery and mystique of the Bat has returned, so go about your day normally, citizen.
But my mind only generates random, useless facts if I'm lucky. Generally I'll be perfectly enjoying a video game or a movie, and I'll hear a voice. And I know I've heard that voice before. Where have I heard that? Was it a cartoon? Was it a cartoon from sometime in the last 20 years? Is that the Optimus Prime guy? No, wait, he's the guy from the latest Batman movie. Right? This kind of thing would bug me all night, and possibly for the next eight months if it wasn't for the internet. I'm happy to say there's imdb.com for when I absolutely need to know where the guy who did the voice of Max is now (He's in Psychonauts!). And should imdb.com fail, there's a thousand other sites out there, from shrines to pages dedicated to random movie credits. The internet is a wealth of useless information, and I absolutely feed on useless information.
And the sheer convenience of the 'net. I haven't touched a phone book in years, because I know the minute I need to know where you live, I'll just look it up on whitepages.com. Take that, alphabetical order! And once I know where you live, I have the capability of getting satellite pictures of your house. With just a last name and a general idea of where someone lives, you can be stalking like a pro by nightfall. The internet is a wealth of creepy scenarios. Maybe it isn't that great a thing, after all...
But I have a hard time remembering what life was like before the net. There was a time when I would have to get a newspaper to know when to see a movie. Can you imagine the pain of sorting through some thing, made from the same material as toilet paper, to find some little box showing when the theatre is showing your showing? And I'm sure I had free time before the internet, but I can't for the life in me remember what I did with it. Was there even a time when the word "Seanbaby" wasn't in my vocabulary? Did I read comics in the paper thing as opposed to onmymonitor? I remember the word "jumble", but I have no idea what it means! And more Americans get their news from ABC news than from any other source? Riiiiight. I hate to say it, but I stay up to the minute with the news thanks to MSN (the immediate post-Hotmail page). Granted, they place the same "headline" emphasis on "terrorist attacks..." as "4 signs she's into you", but at least they know what people want to see. Unfortunately, what the people want to see is how to not be such a fat ass all the time, or maybe that's just what I want other people to see...
And speaking of fat asses, there's that "community factor" to the web. Granted, there are 10,000 lousy forums for every good one, but when you find a group of like minded people you would have otherwise never met before due to distance and everyone being a horrible shut in, you get happy. You thank the Lord the internet is there to connect you to the amazing people out there who never leave their rooms. And there's chat for keeping up with your old buddies. I haven't lost track of anyone from high school who I haven't wanted to lose track of. If I want to talk to an old pal, I just look to my AIM buddy list, see who's online in my "Geekz" section, and drop an IM on 'em. Fo' shizzle. The communication opportunities available are amazing, and it's passive, too, for you nerds. Calling someone on the phone, that's personal, and you'd look like a complete crazy to call that girl you like out of the blue; but with the internet, you just say "hi, what's up" over IM, and all is well. Hey, you're talking to six other people at the moment, anyway, she's not special, you're not "trying too hard". It's all so easy...
Yes, a Jack Chick track. Never heard of ‘em? Consider yourself lucky. Jack Chick is a lovely individual who produces lovely little pamphlets that explain the many, many reasons you're going to Hell. Suicidal? Going to Hell. Liar? Going to Hell. Gay? Going to Hell. Catholic? Going to Hell. Play Dungeons &Dragons? Going to Hell. Suffice it to say, breathing heavily is a mortal sin in the Jack Chick universe. And through cute lil' pictures and damning words, Jack Chick has somehow made a business out of Bible thumpers who distribute his word. And it is "his" word, and not "His".
I'm a Christian. I believe in God, the Bible, and Jesus. I pray, and, while I do often hang around with Christians, I don't go to an organized church for much the same reason as Jack Chick bothers the hell out of me. Christians are scary, much in the same way anyone who passionately believes in something is scary. Basically, imagine if there's the two nerds arguing over which will be better, Xbox 360 or Playstation 3, except the guy who's in favor of the Xbox 360 believes that the Xbox 360 is the only thing in the world that will save the Playstation 3 dude from eternal damnation. Nerds, who, admittedly, do play violent video games, practically get in knife fights over $300 dollar video game systems, so where does that leave the people who are adamant about your eternal soul?
And just a moment for the word "eternal". That's forever. Forever and ever and ever. People generally have a problem fathoming the rest of eternity. Go look at the Earth. 8,000,000,000,000 years after the Earth is gone, eternity is still going strong. Suffice it to say, the rest of infinity is a long period of time, and, generally whack jobs witnessing are trying to save your soul for that extreme amount of time. So, hey, they're not concerned with your current comfort, they're concerned with endless eternity.
Can we blame them? I really don't. As previously stated, I'm a Christian, and when I see someone witnessing, even in an annoying manner, I really don't bother to bother them back. Which is a lot coming from me, given I try to see how many telemarketers I can get to call 911 as I fake my own death when they ask about my current phone plan. Individuals helping others for the Lord is fine in my book, since, generally these volunteers have their hearts in the right place.
It's the non-volunteers that get me, it's the one's that are using God for their own purposes, to help themselves and not others. And nine times out of ten, being publicly Christian to feed off of other Christians gives every Christian a bad name. Jack Chick is an easy example. His little "tracts" seem to start small, witnessing that the Lord is God and whatnot, and then proceed to go nuts by portraying all Christians as jaundiced bigots who can't tolerate teenagers playing a role playing game. Noted Internet wide-load Scott Kurtz wrote a rant/comic back in 2000 related to Chick's D&D/gay bashing comics, and I highly recommend it. To sum it up, Kurtz, who makes his living by writing a comic that exploits nerds, made a comic parodying Chick's "hate filled tracts" and, less than a week later, removed the comic from his archives due to not wanting to be on "Chick's level". Unfortunately, barely anyone who witnesses in the media sees "Chick's level" as a bad thing. Chick grounds nearly issue into whether or not it will send you to hell, and nearly every politician using a Christian platform uses those same hate and fear filled tactics.
Atheism seems pretty popular on the ‘net, and I blame more "Christian" politicians for it. Our good president George W. Bush is a devoted Christian, and I like to believe that he's not just doing it for the popularity that "saving souls" can bring a man. Of course, I also believe W. is barely intelligent enough to tie his shoes. I don't like the idea of having a single thought in common with the man, let alone my entire religion, so I can understand why someone not as devoted would find our own president's allegiance to God offensive. One prominent man of God in our government may have turned hundreds away from God for just being generally simian-like, and it's rather depressing.
My point is simple. If you are not a Christian, ignore the crazies running the place and the extremists making the hell comics, they're just in it for a buck, and don't judge a religion based on its whackos. If you are a Christian, don't be crazy about it. Help other people, do helpful things, and commit acts of kindness, but don't beat people with your Bible. I know I'm mostly speaking to my generation on this site, and, to my generation, think about it: when was the last time you did something because someone told you to do it? The advertising that is aimed at our generation is not, "Obey! Drink Pepsi!" it's, "Hey, look, Batman is drinking Pepsi!" So clearly what I'm getting at is: be the Christian Batman.
Ever hear the expression "dead one hundred times before you hit the ground"? Yeah, Superman can kill you a billion different ways before you even know it, and still have time to laugh at your tiny genitals. Come to think of it, basically every orifice of the Man of Steel produces some kind of superpower, but he hasn't showcased any powers based on exposing... things. Yet. I smell new maxi-series.
Superman has super intellect. FALSE
Superman is friggen retarded.
Let's analyze the situation above.
Brainiac, "super-outlaw", is using a force shield that, if he is to be believed, will vaporize anything that comes into contact with it.
Superman is faced with "the greatest challenge of his life": touch the instant death force shield, or don't.
Two choices, one could result in terminal death, the other definitely won't.
Superman correctly reasons that Brainiac may be bluffing about the power of his force shield, but Brainiac is also Brainiac, and likely smart enough to construct such a device.
Superman does not perform any tests on Brainiac's force shield.
Superman decides that he cannot take the chance that Brainiac is going to continue just standing there, and thus must charge, fist first, into a device that should instantly kill him.
Superman is friggen retarded.
PS – I think Superman lives.
Superman era comics have some deeply strange writers. TRUE
Batman and Superman are the best of pals. FALSE
It seems every comic artist who decides to have Batman and Superman fight believes that this is the first time there's ever been a schism between the two vigilantes, and that Superman and Batman have always been the best of pals until now. Totally wrong. Superman and Batman have always hated the living hell out of each other. Think about it: if Superman, a guy who is literally invincible with more powers than Samus Aran, and Batman, the smartest man in the universe with narrative invincibility (Batman should have been shot dead an estimated 80,000,000,000 times since his introduction in Detective Comics), worked together, seriously, for any longer than five minutes, and weren't encumbered by some Justice League where they have to make sure the Flash isn't getting shot or Aquaman is forgetting how to breath, well, they'd destroy crime once and for all, in all facets of all realities. And that would make for some pretty boring future comics.
With Superman and Batman "working together" since World's Finest in 1941, the writers must always find new and interesting ways to pit the two titans against each other. And, surprisingly, Batman and Superman are usually fairly evenly matched, despite Superman having the power of a thousand nuclear arsenals, while Batman has the power of, roughly, two Hulk Hogans. One might attribute this to the fact that Batman is an absolute genius, and Superman has a problem beating the hell out of geniuses (father issues, I think), but it's probably all just another case of Superman being a dick, and throwing a few punches so he doesn't break one of the few toys he's got that isn't constantly trying to kill him. Superman demands entertainment!
It's worth noting that in current comic continuity, Superman has given Batman a kryptonite ring, with which to put the Man of Tomorrow down should he ever go nuts. Given that Superman has been working up an immunity to kryptonite in recent issues as well, Batman basically just has a new pretty piece of jewelry. Superman to Batman: You're my bitch, this proves it.
Superman is a fight whore. TRUE
Superman will fight anybody. Batman, the entire Justice League, senators, Muhammad Ali, Spiderman, Michael J. Nelson; I'd say he'd fight anybody with a pulse, but he's also fought Solomon Grundy, lead zombie of the DC universe, so even that isn't completely true. Superman is the strongest being on Earth or, as has been seen in Superman's many space journeys, possibly the entire the universe, so maybe he's just a little conceited. He doesn't seem to "win" that many cross-over battles, though. Odd, considering the guy can do more deadly things with his eyeballs than Doc Ock has hands, so he's probably just faking it for the hell of it, again.
Superman has always been a boy scout. FALSE
Superman's early years may be described as... excessive.
Well, at least we can say he isn't gay.
Captain Marvel aka Shazam is a complete rip-off of Superman. LEGALLY TRUE
Captain Marvel, according to many people/sales, was an even better Superman of the 40's. Instead of being some alien maniac, Captain Marvel was just a regular kid who gained super powers from some creepy old stranger. Since 90% of comic readers at the time were little kids, the idea of being transformed into a superhero by that guy in the overcoat who hangs out in the subway who mommy won't let you talk to was very appealing. And thus Captain Marvel was beating Superman at the newsstands.
And National Comics Publications (now DC) would not stand for it!
So National Comics Publications sued the living hell out of Fawcett Publications, Marvel's Publisher (not to be confused with publisher, Marvel), claiming that Captain Marvel, an invincible superhero, was copyright infringement on National Comics Publications' Superman, who was also an invincible superhero. After much litigation, National Comics Publications was successful, and Fawcett stopped publishing Captain Marvel, while National Comics went on to sue the entirety of Greek mythology for their "Hercules" character.
Ultimately, while Superman and Captain Marvel were indeed similar, Marvel had a much more comedic slant (one of the world's mightiest mortal's greatest villains was Mr. Mind, a tiny, tiny [Dr.] worm), and even gave the Captain a full stable of other Marvels, like Mary Marvel, Captain Marvel Jr., Uncle Marvel, Tall Marvel, Fat Marvel, and Hillbilly Marvel. Oddly, this entire paragraph is entirely true.
Nowadays Captain Marvel is owned by DC and, possibly because they're still just being jerks about the lawsuit, CM is constantly written like he's just Superman Jr. Possibly as a result, he's about as popular as Apache Chief. Now I know where Superman gets his dicktitude from...
Superman is a cousin loving hick. TRUE
"Hi, Superman, I'm your cousin, Kara Zor-El, and I'm the only other survivor of Krypton!"
"Awesome!"
"So when do I start fighting crime with you?"
"Never. I think it would be best if no one ever knew about you."
"Oh."
"And I think you should live at an orphanage, while I live in my spacious apartment in Metropolis. And don't go near the Fortress of Solitude."
"Umm..."
"And I want you to wear this brunette wig. And I'm going to start calling you Linda Lee."
"Isn't your girlfriend a brunette named Lois Lane?"
"Yes... yes she is. She will never know about you."
"I think I need an adult."
Also:
Superman loves all species. TRUE
As many people know, Superman has a pet, Krypto the Super-Dog. But did you know Superman had another pet, Beppo the Super-Monkey? And Superman really loved Beppo the Super-Monkey, finally deciding to ditch the simian in deep space after he proved to be too much of a handful. Let's hope Superman never has kids.
Supergirl also had Streaky the Super-Cat, who was a regular cat until she was exposed to kryptonite, and then got super powers (Lex Luthor just got terminal cancer), and Comet, who wasn't Kryptonian at all, but was basically a magical unicorn. Supergirl: Super-Princess of girly stereotypes.
Superman also married a mermaid once. You really don't want to get into that one.
Superman is meant to be taken seriously. FALSE
What I consider to be the number one misconception about Superman is that many believe Superman is to be taken seriously. There are some who have never taken the flying cliché seriously, but there are many more who have had endless, mind-numbing debates on the merits of who could Superman beat in a fight, how strong he is, or how many eggs he could eat in a single sitting. If you have ever debated the strength or abilities of Superman, here's a tip, you're a moron. Supe's own creators didn't take him seriously!
Superman's creators, a pair of nerds named Joe Shuster and Jerry Siegel, first created a Tarzan parody comic featuring a main character named, I kid you not, Goober the Mighty. Essentially, Superman's creators were comedy writers first, and ended up creating Superman's rogue gallery not out of villains that could actually defeat the invincible hero, but annoy the hell out of him. Lex Luther, Brainiac, and possibly the Ultra-Humanite were the only real super villains that endured Superman's golden age, while Mr. Mxyzptlk, the Toy Man, the Prankster, Lois Lane's little cousin Susie, and a host of others were all "villains" designed exclusively for the purpose of being a bother. Siegel and Shuster realized that the guy is invincible, may as well attack his nerves and get a laugh out of it. You can't punch God, but you can do that "I'm not touching you!" thing for hours.
It was only as of the 1980's that DC started really, really taking Superman seriously, and that was mostly because every other comic in the universe was either starring an anti-hero, villain, hell spawn, or some combination of the three. And I guess somewhere along the lines all comics become deadly serious, as opposed to, you know, comical.
All non-copyrighted material is copyright 2005 Robert Pollack. Reproduction of most anything without Robert's express permission in whole or in part is prohibited by law. Ain't that a kick in the pants?
Last night I rode a shopping cart back to my car, shouting "Ra's al Ghul shall rise again!"
shoulder with Green Lantern, Superman, and Wonder Woman. Those are three superheroes that aren't just strong, they're invincible, super fast, often can fly, and randomly develop powers such as heat vision, interrogation magic, and instant green dune buggy creation. Put yourself in the mind of a moderately super powered villain fighting the league. 
Dammit! I hate the internet!
Stop 
And just a moment for the word "eternal". That's forever. Forever and ever and ever. People generally have a problem fathoming the rest of eternity. Go look at the Earth. 8,000,000,000,000 years after the Earth is gone, eternity is still going strong. Suffice it to say, the rest of infinity is a long period of time, and, generally whack jobs witnessing are trying to save your soul for that extreme amount of time. So, hey, they're not concerned with your current comfort, they're concerned with endless eternity.
It seems every comic artist who decides to have Batman and Superman fight believes that this is the first time there's ever been a schism between the two vigilantes, and that Superman and Batman have always been the best of pals until now. Totally wrong. Superman and Batman have always hated the living hell out of each other. Think about it: if Superman, a guy who is literally invincible with more powers than Samus Aran, and Batman, the smartest man in the universe with narrative invincibility (Batman should have been shot dead an estimated 80,000,000,000 times since his introduction in Detective Comics), worked together, seriously, for any longer than five minutes, and weren't encumbered by some Justice League where they have to make sure the Flash isn't getting shot or Aquaman is forgetting how to breath, well, they'd destroy crime once and for all, in all facets of all realities. And that would make for some pretty boring future comics.
Superman will fight anybody. Batman, the entire Justice League, senators, Muhammad Ali, Spiderman, Michael J. Nelson; I'd say he'd fight anybody with a pulse, but he's also fought Solomon Grundy, lead zombie of the DC universe, so even that isn't completely true. Superman is the strongest being on Earth or, as has been seen in Superman's many space journeys, possibly the entire the universe, so maybe he's just a little conceited. He doesn't seem to "win" that many cross-over battles, though. Odd, considering the guy can do more deadly things with his eyeballs than Doc Ock has hands, so he's probably just faking it for the hell of it, again.
Captain Marvel, according to many people/sales, was an even better Superman of the 40's. Instead of being some alien maniac, Captain Marvel was just a regular kid who gained super powers from some creepy old stranger. Since 90% of comic readers at the time were little kids, the idea of being transformed into a superhero by that guy in the overcoat who hangs out in the subway who mommy won't let you talk to was very appealing. And thus Captain Marvel was beating Superman at the newsstands.
As many people know, Superman has a pet, Krypto the Super-Dog. But did you know Superman had another pet, Beppo the Super-Monkey? And Superman really loved Beppo the Super-Monkey, finally deciding to ditch the simian in deep space after he proved to be too much of a handful. Let's hope Superman never has kids.
